Rewind

From among my many flaws, I find anger the most fulfilling and destructive.
I probably wasn't like this as a kid, but somewhere along the way, I learned how to lose my nerve at any time. If someone said something to anger me, I didn't hold back. It didn't matter whether it was a friend or my mother. Until a few months back, I rarely lost my shit when talking to Dad, no matter how irrational his behaviour.

Anger is not to be admired, and diplomacy goes a long way. It's not as if I'm an uncouth crusader for rage rights; I've just found it easier to give in to the boiling blood syndrome. Also, I've never been the type who can appease. Hell, I am the kind of person who needs to be appeased. I've rarely submitted to someone else's will if it clashes directly in principle with mine. I'm not trying to make myself look like I'm hard to get along with, it's the exact opposite of that. In professional and social dealings, rationality and cooperation prevails. I have people skills and I know it. What I don't have is the patience to apply those people skills on the rare occasion when someone tries to put their foot through the door. No sir, you may not- now back off, or else.

Do you sense a deeply defensive tendency there? It probably exists in a greatly evolved form. The veritable monster, as some would put it.

Unfortunately, there are times I feel the most in my element only when I'm exceptionally pissed off and spewing venom. I rarely say things that I regret, even if I am forced to put up a facade of repentance later, to preserve some semblance of humanity. In fact, most of the things I say when I'm angry are outbursts of repressed opinions when it comes to my interactions with my mother or father.
I've got a terrible temper, and a seething tongue, and instead of being ashamed, I merely embrace it. Not that I completely condone my behaviour; I merely enjoy being myself, if this is who I am now.

Space Debris

Something I wrote on 24th December, 2010


Tool- Disposition

My hands shake as I pour myself out another glass.

Second time alone, but first time lonely.

My hand is reaching for the glass.

I gulp down half the drink. The smell is revolting, and slowly, the liquid fills me up with fire. I know I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit. The song is dying.

Magnetic Man- MAD

I’m going to finish the glass. My stomach is in knots. I’m reaching for the glass.

Empty.

I chew on the ice with a grimace. 

The Posies- I Guess You’re Right

How did I get here. Why am I here.  I don’t want to be here. I hate this place. I’m vulnerable, and I’m to blame for all of it.

It’s all my fault.

Magnetic Man- I Need Air

I just finished writing a note.  My thoughts stray to unpleasant situations that may be taking place in another city close enough. Disposing of some chewing gum, I realize just how drunk I am right now. Pretty drunk, I’d reckon. Regret is coursing through my veins. I can’t believe this unrequited bullshit is becoming such a constant theme of my life. I am to blame.

 *** 

It's been more than fourteen months since my last post on a now-defunct blog. I'm not completely at ease with the chaos in my mind and the ever changing, dissolving boundaries of socially constructed labels of civilized existence.  

In the last fourteen months...

I've lost another loved one to cancer.

Heard of another friend from high school commit suicide.

Performed horribly in one semester, and redeemed myself in the two following ones.

Loved, and loved back, in a different way.

Lost the love to someone else, tried to burn a bridge.

Learned to love again, without wanting the same kind of love back.

Accepted pain for pain. 

Embraced bipolarity.

Consumed alcohol every second night for a period of 32 days. (Note: Still going strong on that vow to never smoke. And will think about toking up the day I really want to, not because someone tells me I should experience it.)

Drank alone on one occasion to see how I would feel about it. 

Felt a different kind of disturbed.
Acquired a new camera. Nikon D90 ( NIKKOR 18-105), before you ask.  

Uncovered secrets.